It’s been awhile since I last made a post. I’m on my midterm study break (no classes a week before the actual midterm) so I’ll have time to make some content. Anyway, I just wanted to share with you how things were going (both good and bad; ok there’s a lot of bad than good but hey that’s life). Keep in mind that I am the most unorthodox blogger so I’ll be very honest.
As the pace of the material started to pick up speed, I found myself drowning in constant preparation. This overwhelmed me since I don’t really have a support system (I’m a loner, to be honest) so my psyche was getting hit really hard. I did find a common circle of “friends” through a person that I had a crush on (yeah you can see where this is going; side note: DO NOT DATE IF YOU ARE PRE-MED). Long story short, this quack-quack low life turned me down and basically told me they didn’t want anything to do with me and I obviously did not take it very well. One thing that I want you guys to know is that I have a mental illness called manic-depressive disorder (bipolar is usually common) and it tends to affect my personality’s highs and lows. One thing that people do not understand is that when they see me, they can’t see the “real me” instead they see my disease. It’s very tough. I’m here needing to feel like I belong and cared about but, this illness is not letting me form friendships nor relationships. And it sucks. In fact, when I took my psychology midterm on Thursday, all I was doing was guessing since I could not study due to my heartbreak.
At first, I felt broken and neglected. Suffocating and torn (I even wrote a eulogy for myself… I was watching The Fault in Our Stars like 7 times) on how I’m going to rise above my circumstances. I looked in the mirror and said why can’t you go back to your old and ambitious self? I even screamed, “go to hell”. At this low point, I knew what I had to do. The prescription that I was taking maybe handling my illness but, it was making me feel not the same (I flushed them down the toilet… Yeah I don’t think that was the proper way to dispose of them. Sorry). I started to look for ways to make myself feel better so yes breakup songs are a must (All I Want by Kodaline which I heard from The Fault in our Stars is a must also, Ellie Goulding’s cover of it as well. Oh! and Love Me by Kevin Karla Y La Banda for anyone who understands Spanish). I learned that getting hurt by toxic relationships made me stronger and even more unique (I’m honestly learning more about life than in my lectures haha). In fact, there’s a saying that “the most damaged people are usually the wisest ones”.
Being depressed and going to school, while at the same time trying to make relationships is a bad recipe for living I know but, you know what? I am not my illness, I am a survivor of it. I was not okay yesterday, I am not okay today, and I probably won’t be okay tomorrow but in the near future I will be. So, for the time being, I’m still alive. I’m going to use my pain as leverage to succeed in fulfilling my ambition because that’s how I get stronger. Yes, this was a setback but, it was for my own good. And I’m glad that poor quack-quack low life made me love myself even more. Oh, and at least I have the balls to actually express my true self. Check out this video that made me think.