It’s been awhile since I last posted on here. School and personal (a subtle way of saying excruciating and emotional haha) obstacles got in the way. My 2nd year of college really set me and my plans back and I’m here to just get it off my chest.
DISCLAIMER: I will change certain names of people due to privacy reasons.
Last September (Fall term), the semester started like every other semester. I got into all the classes I wanted to be registered for (English, Psychology, History, and Organic chemistry), and I caught up with “fri-ENDS” that I made last year… Yeah, you can see where this is going. I tried to keep up and stay focused on studying but my loneliness started to get the best of me and well, I started to long for close intimate friendships. Long story short, the people that I thought had my back just threw me out like I was this disposable piece of garbage and that I was this inconvenience to their lives. I was extremely hurt and it took a toll on my mental health and overall self-esteem and made me question my self-worth and purpose.
Now, before I move on, I want you guys to know that what I tried to do was not a good idea whatsoever and I do warn you that this may be very triggering so just a heads up. Around December (just know that I was basically failing a lot of my classes) I decided to commit self-harm. My reason? I wanted my hidden unforeseeable pain to show up as actual real pain. I started posting it on certain social media platforms and got many concerning messages. Now, many of you are probably asking “Why couldn’t you go for help?” Needless to say, I tried many times in my life to go to therapy. I always thought it was just a temporary fix and that it wasn’t permanent. But, looking back. I want you guys to know that even though it may “feel temporary” it is worth it because it does motivate you to a point that it is possible to improve any mental condition. Now, trying to get help is the worse part. One of my so-called “ex-friends” actually had to tattle on me to the university that I was self-harming. I was mad for a few reasons. One, this person left me for other people when I needed this person the most. Two, I was heartbroken that I was going through a breakup up someone who played with my feelings and my “fri-END” took that person’s side.
What made it worse was that I tried to go through the counseling sessions but it kind of turned into a different direction. Instead of dealing with the friendship and relationship problems it went straight to talking about my really tough and unprivileged childhood, with abuse and neglect. So, although it was an okay experience, it didn’t really help at easing my pain. I did learn a new reflective technique though. The school’s therapist and I made a collage out of magazines to show how I felt deep inside. It was a way to replace the need to self-harm to show my pain physically. And as time-consuming it was, it actually did the same effect. My collage had a mountain with a Cross on the top (signifying that the people from school wanted to crucify me like what the people did to Jesus). I felt like I was an innocent person (like Jesus) who was being targeted for no logical reason besides one person’s strong dislike for me. I verbalized that I feel disconnected and hurt and that I felt like I was sinning because true Christians don’t suffer. True Christians don’t get depressed and that they usually make the best of adversity and triumph over issues like these. My therapist said that this wasn’t a very realistic expectation to have (she’s right; I can’t just relieve my problems by simply “being a Christian”). So, I decided to go on a self-healing journey which evidently brought me here today.
What really ticks me off was that the person that I had an intimate relationship with knows about my mental health problems and that person is even the Vice-President of a mental health awareness group (ironic right?). Yet, this person thought I was using my mental health as a way to “trap them into being with me”… All I can say is some snakes just can’t hold their venom in their mouths… I was broken yeah, and this moment made me realize that some people, even when they’re supposed to know, just don’t get it. I mean you would think that this person would have known not to do that to me with their background but actions speak louder than words. I learned more about evil, tolerance, perseverance, grace, and persecution than what I learned in O-Chem on synthesis and elimination, hydrogenation, or any other time consuming mechanism. I guess I can say that people who were meant to help me were doing the opposite. I just don’t understand how they sleep at night because of it. Once I saw this tweet, I prayed so hard for God to take my life. And every waking morning when I opened my eyes, I always got disappointed that I was going to live for another day. I have to breathe another breath, I have to get up and live. I always asked myself “why do I have to get up and live again when it’s way too painful to live, let alone and trying to live a happy life that I was deprived of.
Life has been very grueling and interesting. One reason, so much change in just one school year. I questioned my sanity and my strength to pursue medicine (I mean who wouldn’t after going through so much trauma). My GPA fell from 3.5 to a mind-blowing 2.7 (out of a 4.0 scale). I’m basically just trying my best to make the best of it and just focus on school and perhaps just repeat a lot of the classes that I got C’s in and get back on track. I did volunteer work last year summer with Let’s Talk Science and I miss showing kids the fun side of science. I’ve been doing a lot of meditation and self-love to get my mental fitness back to health and trying every strength I have to not self-harm. I know that there is light at the end of this dark tunnel, but just trying to get by is super hard and it’s a really long road. The only positive thing that I learned from this experience is that I’m going to be a much stronger person because of this painful experience.
I’m so sorry if this post wasn’t positive but I cannot stay hidden and pretend that my life is happy all the time. Unfortunate times do happen. Depression happens. And perhaps I will get better somewhere along the way.